Before I enter a coaching relationship with a client, I ask her to tell me what she has tried to resolve her chronic stress.
I will never forget Roxana’s response. She answered, ‘I tried to be vulnerable once…that was stressful!’
I smiled to myself and thought, ‘She’s a perfect fit.‘
I knew in that instant Roxana had a heart that was dying to be set free, but she just didn’t know it.
She thought her problems were a busy work and family schedule and managing her anxiety that had progressively gotten worse in recent years. And although all these external factors contribute to her experience of chronic stress, they were not the real reasons she experienced overwhelm, impatience, and discontent.
The root cause of Roxana’s chronic stress was that she had a low tolerance for love, connection, and joy.
A tell-tale sign of this low tolerance for joy? She tried to be vulnerable once – she tried to open her heart – and she couldn’t tolerate it.
Let me explain.
The root cause of chronic stress is not constant busyness, a plate too full, or a rocky relationship. All of these are symptoms of chronic stress.
The root cause of chronic stress is living a life disconnected from the heart, disconnected from the deep joy and connection that only love can offer.
But if love – like in an expression of vulnerability – is experienced as intolerably uncomfortable, it decreases the likelihood you will try to open your heart again.
If you cannot allow the full joy and sorrow of an open heart, you end up living a life trying to meet the expectations of others instead of operating from your inner truth.
In turn, you live a life disconnected from your heart. Life becomes a chore, a burden, an autopilot existence of tasks, to-dos, and must-dos just to feel moderately OK. This disconnection is chronic stress.
When disconnected from the heart, you become blindly subject to the perceived authority of the external world to determine what you should do, who you should be, and how you should feel.
You no longer trust yourself, you worry about not measuring up, and you are compelled to please other people even at your own expense. This doesn’t feel good so you spiral through relentless goal-setting cycles to try to do better.
And you always fall short. Not because you suck, but because you can’t tolerate your own tenderness.
This touches your tenderness. This keeps the heart open and alive.
When you refuse to touch your tenderness, you become numb.
By embracing your humanity – especially the not so pretty parts – you increase your tolerance for love, connection and joy.
If you want to be free of chronic stress, stop asking, ‘How can I make this go away?‘ and ask instead, ‘How can I welcome my own tender nature, even when it hurts?‘
With Tenderness,
Angela
