Not too long ago I ran into an acquaintance at my local farmer’s market. She asked how I was doing, and in lieu of giving the customary, ‘I’m fine,’ I gave an honest answer.
I told her I was feeling emotionally depleted, and briefly explained why.
Her immediate response was, ‘Angela, let it go. Just let it go.’
In that moment, I immediately shriveled inside and felt like this:
I felt completely dismissed and not heard.
If I could just let it go, I would.
If I could just not think about it or not let it bother me or prevent it from dampening my spirit, I would.
‘Just let it go’ is terrible advice, and often dismissive.
Telling yourself or others to just let it go may seem encouraging and empowering, but it is often used as an easy by-pass to dismiss negative emotions that either
- the other person can’t tolerate you feeling OR
- feelings the advice giver can’t tolerate themselves
You see, if you need to let go of something, the thing you want to let go of must be accepted and experienced first.
Before you let it go, you need to let it in.
In my case, I wanted a listening ear who could sit with the discomfort of my emotions without trying to change, fix, or make them go away.
Having this type of support would have helped me diffuse my bunched up sad feelings so I could better accept and neutralize them.
Then, I could use my mindfulness and self-compassion skills to embrace that my feelings were OK to experience, and that it was OK for me to feel this way, even if it was negative.
Only once gentleness is offered to myself from myself, would I be equipped to choose a different approach.
This is the key to learning to really let things go: You must choose and practice a replacement approach with unconditional friendliness toward yourself.
Letting go is not a one time deal where you say, ‘I release you! I let it go!’ and then poof – it’s gone never to return again. puh-lease
Letting go is not a one time deal where you burn your past in the fire pit on retreat and it never comes back.
Letting go is compassionately welcoming and experiencing the unpleasant feeling and sensation, followed by choosing a replacement approach to practice, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Here’s an example.
Most women I work with want to let go of judgment. They want to release judgments of themselves and the incessant mind judgments of others. It doesn’t serve them. It wastes time + mind space, prevents connection with others, and doesn’t honor their values.
Judgment isn’t serving them, but they don’t ‘just let it go.’ That would never work.
Instead, clients choose a replacement approach to practice instead of judgment. Many choose acceptance or allowing as their replacement approach. It takes a lot of awareness + mindfulness skills to do this (which is why Everyday Mindfulness is Step 2 and Letting Go is Step 4 in the Freedom from Chronic Stress Program).
Without the mindfulness skills to implement a replacement approach, letting go is a pipe dream full of hope and wishful thinking that one day ‘it’ will go away.
Letting go without having the skill to replace it with a functional, values-honoring principle leaves you frustrated and grasping for someone else to fix you.
In turn, nothing ever really changes that much.
But, if you accept that letting go is an on-going practice that never ends AND you consistently practice a replacement approach with gentleness, you will experience the sweet relief from your internal hang-ups, quirks, and neurosis you’re looking for. Not because they go away forever, but because you’re comfortable with the not-so-great parts of yourself and can gracefully implement a replacement approach that serves your highest good.
The outcome is that you live a life more true to yourself by honoring the values that are most important to you.
And that is Freedom from Chronic Stress, friend.
Replace Onward,
Angela
